Today, I had an attorney call me at work to tell me that if I don't pay a particular debt by Tuesday then the collector will take me to court. Fun times. A judgment against me in that context will devastate my credit rating for probably the rest of my life. How am I supposed to come up with nearly $2000 in 3 days??? I'd whore myself out, but that won't make any money and I'd lose my family too. Not an option.
Then there's the option of bankruptcy. Destroy my and my wife's credit for 7 years to not have to pay the roughly $30,000 we owe? Again, not an option. I feel that it's not biblical to declare bankruptcy. A man who owes money is his debtor's (or debtors' in my case) slave. Bankruptcy will be saying "Hey, I can't pay this so I'll just waive all responsibility over what I owe under God." And that's not cool.
The only other option I can think of is to take out a debt consolidation loan. Problem is, every single debt I have is already in collections so I can't contact the company I owe money to directly. If I can get in contact with everybody we owe money to and figure out what is owed, the contact info, the account info, and all that jazz, then I can submit that to different banks and debt consolidation groups and PRAY somebody will put their own neck on the line for us. And IF that works, I'll have to work 2 day jobs and a night job, on top of my wife working too, to even have a hope of paying our bills AND loan payments.
It seems as if nothing I do works. Everything that works out right, I credit to God. Everything that fails, I credit to myself. I'm worthless trash and the Holy Spirit living inside me is the only thing keeping me worth anything to God. I've failed Him, myself, and my family. Time and time again. Over and over. Repeatedly. Perpetually. *insert any other synonym that fits*
Why does everything have to fall apart? Everything I do, I do for God and family. The intangible and the tangible reasons. I give God all the glory and honor and praise for anything that happens to go right. So why am I yet again about to lose my family, possessions, and dignity? I just don't get it.
My father-in-law and that whole side of the family says I'm arrogant and prideful, and that's the reason everything is going wrong. How? I can't stand myself and let people walk all over me because that's more humble than standing up for myself and my wants. So how am I arrogant or prideful? I do the side tasks and jobs at work that nobody else will stoop down to do (i.e. getting on my knees and scrubbing the floor and baseboards and the planters outside that haven't been cleaned in over 2 years since the store opened) but I'm prideful. If somebody has fewer sales dollars than I do during any given shift, I'll ring up my transactions under their number, passing on all credit for my work to another, expecting nothing in return. But I'm prideful. Does my denial of pride and credit and self-loathing actually make me prideful and arrogant? I don't know anymore.
And I should start typing this stuff to people, rather than vent in a blog on a site that is very rarely used.